Three years behind everyone else, I am now the proud owner of a digital camera. It was the last model on display in the department store, so they hacked off a generous 17%. Along with the store vouchers I had, this made it an offer I couldn't refuse. The weekend's tests have already produced a glamour shot of The Elf worthy of framing. I can't wait to get it under the waves ( the camera, that is ).
Today is detox day. Some bright spark in our staff canteen thought it would be fun to offer a one day detox course. Some other bright spark who owns this blog thought it would be worth trying out. So far I have ingested a cup of Dandelion tea, a cup of Nettle tea, 2 tablespoons of linseed oil, half a lemon squeezed into a cup of hot water ( which incidentally started dissolving the polystyrene ), and a huge bowl of grated carrot and bean sprouts. Nearly forgot the banana, which would be a shame, as its the only thing I've enjoyed so far. In just over an hour I have the pleasure of a 'Beetroot Blast' to look forward to. Presumably this will chemically bond with the Linseed oil, and generate some sort of reaction that Osama Bin Laden would be proud of.
I sometimes wonder why I make my life an ongoing scientific experiment.
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Act One, Scene One
The elf returns home from an indulgent jaunt to Norfolk and finds a green-gilled Mume ironing navy creases into his shirt sleeves. A vile smell of miso soup permeates the fabric of their house.
elf: 'Hi Babe .... shit you look rough!'
Mume: 'Oh hi, how was your trip?'
elf: 'It rocked! Haute cuisine, fine wine, totally wild. I had the best chocolate cake ever!'
Mume: 'Do you think the petrol station sells pork pies?'
elf: 'Maybe'
Mume: 'Be a doll and get me one'
elf: 'Go to hell!'
..... 'devil bitch' thought the Mume
..... 'masochistic monk' thought the elf
Act One, Scene Two
The Mume wakes looking like a cadaver that even Gunther von Hagens would have trouble dissecting. The elf is hung-over.
Mume: 'Can't wait to get to work, I'm having a fat boy breakfast'
elf: 'That makes sense'
Mume: 'What's for dinner?'
elf: 'Purified air for starters, cabbage soup for main and I thought you might enjoy sucking a strawberry for dessert'
...... 'that's it, I'm selling her on ebay' decided the Mume
...... 'I wonder how much he'll get' thought the elf.
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